Abuse Isn’t Seasonal
Christmas is often described as the most wonderful time of the year – a season of joy, warmth, and togetherness. Yet, for many people living with domestic abuse, the festive period is anything but joyful.
Instead of a time for celebration, it becomes a season marked by fear, tension, and dread.
Christmas, much like the World Cup or other major events, does not cause abuse – abusers cause abuse. We hear it all the time: "Christmas stress causes arguments." But arguments are not the same as abuse, and stress doesn’t make someone violent. Abuse is a choice. Domestic violence is about control, harm, and power. Yes, the holidays bring added pressures – money worries, endless to-do lists, and increased alcohol consumption – but these only heighten an abuser’s volatility; they don’t create it.
If you’ve ever lived in fear of someone, you’ll know Christmas isn’t always the cheerful picture we’re sold. For people in abusive relationships, the holidays are a nightmare in disguise.
Isolation gets worse: At Christmas, people are busy, and support feels further away. Friends are wrapped up in their own families, and services are stretched thin. Abusers know this and take advantage of it.
The drinking: Alcohol definitely adds fuel to the fire. When my ex drank, I braced myself. I learned to watch for the subtle changes: the way his mood would flicker, how the laughter in the room could turn to silence – dangerous, heavy silence.
The pressure to make it perfect: The pressure to hold everything together, to perform happiness for everyone around you. The pressure of not messing up is immense – because if the dinner wasn’t right, if the house wasn’t tidy, if you said something wrong – there would be consequences.
I say all of this from experience, I lived through enough birthdays, holidays, and football matches to know the pattern. He’d start drinking early. It would seem fine at first – maybe even fun. But then I’d feel it – that shift. A look in his eye, an argument started with anyone who looked at him the wrong way when out in a pub, and then a change in his tone towards me, the air in the room felt like it was closing in.
I spent years walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect so I wouldn’t set him off.
That’s the thing about abuse: you can’t stop it, because it isn’t about you. It’s about them and their need for control.
I know now, many years and some good therapy later, that it wasn’t my fault. But back then, I thought if I could just be better, quieter, smaller... maybe it would stop.
The truth is, I very nearly didn’t survive. I look back now, and I can’t believe I made it out. I feel so lucky to have escaped because not everyone does. There were moments when I thought I wouldn’t live long enough to find freedom. But I’m here. On the other side of it, happily married to a wonderful man and with three beautiful boys. Life is everything I thought I’d never have. And I’ve made it my mission to work with other survivors of domestic abuse, helping them overcome the trauma that abuse leaves behind. Because I know how heavy it is to carry, but I also know it’s possible to heal.
Abuse Is Always a Choice
Here’s what I want you to know: Abuse isn’t about someone losing control – it’s about them taking control. Abusers choose to harm. It’s calculated, deliberate, and nothing to do with stress, alcohol, or Christmas. Those are just excuses, and they’re not good enough.
If you’re reading this and it feels painfully familiar, please know this: you don’t deserve it, and it’s not your fault. There is help out there – even at Christmas. Reach out to a friend, a helpline, or anyone who can help you take that first step to safety.
You can survive this. I know because I did. And life on the other side of abuse is more beautiful than you can imagine.
If you’re reading this and are worried about someone you care about:
Check in: Sometimes just asking, “Are you OK?” can be a lifeline.
Offer support: Discreetly share details of helplines and services like Refuge or Women’s Aid.
Be there: If someone opens up to you, listen. Don’t judge. Just let them know you believe them.
For people living with abuse: You are not alone. Even during Christmas, help is out there. You deserve safety, peace, and a life free from fear – not just on Christmas Day, but every day.
If you are in immediate danger, call 999. For confidential support and advice, contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (open 24/7).
**"If you’re a survivor of abuse and find that leaving the relationship hasn’t been enough to heal the wounds it left behind, you’re not alone. Moving on from such an experience can be challenging, but support is available.
I offer a trauma-based, integrative approach designed to help you process and move forward from what you’ve lived through. Together, we can work toward rebuilding your sense of safety, self-worth, and confidence.
Contact me to learn how I can support you on your healing journey.
